Survivor’s Guilt

Five years ago when I stepped out of the classroom, into a new role as a literacy coach, this strange, guilty feeling seemed to settle and hover over me, as I went about my new job. Suddenly, I could go to the bathroom when I needed too and did not need to be “ON” for hours on end, constantly monitoring student engagement, learning, and safety. At the time, I tried explaining this guilty feeling I could not shake to a work colleague. They nodded knowingly. “”Survivor’s Guilt,” they explained. They too were out the classroom and in a support role with very different demands than that of a classroom teacher. “I feel it too,” they admitted.

 

Over the years the feeling lessened, but was always there and caused me to make small changes in my words in actions. I studied the recess and lunch duty schedule and made sure I did not use the bathroom at those times, knowing teachers’ time was limited to use the toilet during these two short breaks. I tried to make sure I left the microwave empty and available for the same reason. When talking with teachers, I was careful not to complain about the amount of work I had to do. It might have been a lot, but it was still not the same as that of a classroom teacher. Their heads are spinning with thoughts of their students ALL THE TIME!. Each day they are crafting, prepping and delivering 6-10 lessons. They are always thinking of their students, how to address the various needs of their students. When I stepped back into the classroom this year to take over for the 2nd-grade class, once their teacher quit, I was amazed at how quickly I too started to think of the students ALL THE TIME. I tried explaining it to my husband, saying it is like squirrels in the attic. I can hear them all the time, they wake me up as I sleep.

 

But today, I am talking about a different kind of survivor’s guilt. When we were first ordered to stay at home, I was grateful that I had a job, my husband had a job. My son’s school quickly transitioned to online learning without all the hiccups and challenges we are facing at my school. Survivors Guilt. I have a job. We have internet. When I hear of friends or family that have lost their job, the stress of not knowing when they will receive a paycheck or unemployment hangs over them. I feel helpless and guilty. I have been trying to do my part to help in small ways. We have ordered takeout from or local restaurants, hoping they will survive and the employees we used to see on a regular basis, survive with their job intact. Nonetheless, I see the hours on the restaurants shrinking. What used to be lunch and dinner service is now just dinner.  Survivor’s guilt sets deeper as I think of when we can order again from them.

 

Yesterday I drove to drop off some books, writing materials, and other tools to a student’s family. As I drove home, through the neighborhood where the school is, there were so many people out. Homeless people without homes to shelter in place. There was no social distancing amongst those still living on the streets. I wondered if any of them were sick and who would care for them. Strong survivor’s guilt hung on me the whole day. I have a home. I have my health.

 

A family contacted me today wondering if I had information about food locations as the food was running low in their home. My heart sunk lower than it has during this whole pandemic. I quickly sent them information our social worker had organized and told them to reach out if I could help in any way. I kicked myself for bugging families about lessons when clearly some are worried about food. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs filled my head. People need basic needs like food, water, shelter, and safety first and foremost before they can even think of addressing other needs like learning. As this situation continues, the city, country, and the world is being further divided by the haves and the have-nots. Those that have a job, a home, their health, food, Internet and those that don’t. As a have myself I am riddled with guilt.

2 thoughts on “Survivor’s Guilt

  1. Such a hard thing. Your transition from talking about survivor’s guilt as a coach to survivor’s guilt in this crisis is interesting and powerful.

  2. This is a very thoughtful piece, describing what many people in the helping professions might feel at this time of cultural strain – that what they do in their professions could never be enough to offset the disparity between what the ‘haves’ and ‘have nots’ feel is their lot in life at this time, with immense disconnect between the two groups. I lived in San Francisco in the 80s and 90s and was shocked when I was back there in 2017 and saw the extent of the homelessness and the groaning disparity between these two groups, and felt the elected government of, for, and by the people had ignored basic human needs – as made clear by Maslow’s hierarchy – and wondered what had become of San Francisco, the one sure city in the States that made clear in its civil code a foundational principal of liberal humanism: that all people are born with equal measures of dignity, which the polity and its conventions are obliged to honour. Clearly, that mandate has been crushed by the ascendancy of reanimated capitalism since Reagan, and now as its unchecked excesses burn up the planet, they also lay waste to the integrity of the most basic human connections in the form of attachment that need to take place in the secure base of a human home – that by definition includes a floor, four walls and a roof. With these basic human needs being wantonly disregarded, and the homeless effectively being punished for not being ‘self-reliant’ within the capital economy, it is not too long of a stretch to imagine how the needs of publicly funded schools and their students and teachers are also being minimised and ignored – and while I agree that it is far better to light a candle than it is to curse the darkness, my hope is that all levels of governance can take this moment of plague to stay still and investigate what is truly needed: support for its citizens’ safety, growth and development, regardless of income or social status. The disparity between haves and have nots has nothing to do with you as a teacher – those elected to govern need to address this issue, and for several decades now they have not, Perhaps in this time of enforced reflection, citizens can organise and see that this changes – in the meantime, any action one takes to light a candle to offset the lack of light is a very good thing.

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