What are you Running From?

I have been a runner for most of my life. I started in high school and have run since. If I think of when I am happiest, it is on a trail, running, preferably for a couple of hours, with beautiful views and long ups and long downs. Sometimes, when I head out on one of these runs, my son stops me, looks me in the eyes and says, “What are your running from, really, what is it?” He thinks he is being funny, in his sarcastic teenage way. Sometimes I ignore him, sometimes I say “I am not running from something, I am running to something. Occasionally, if I have not slept well I say, “YOU!” and sometimes I think, “What am I running from?”

 

I started running when I moved from living with my mom to living with my dad. My mom was going to night school at the time and so I ate on my own, lots of tv dinners. Salisbury steak with mixed vegetables and a brownie were my favorite. When I moved to my dad’s, things were different. I ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner, homecooked, every day. I went from a skinny kid to a slightly chubby kid. So when the cross country coach stopped me after PE one day and asked if I would be interested in running, I thought, “maybe”.

 

It was just like teaching, love at first sight. I loved running fast, slow, up hills, downhills, on trails, on streets. As an introvert, it seemed like the perfect team sport. I could be up in my head for hours, while my body took me through the neighborhood, across town, and up mountains. I fell completely in love with running.

 

I used to be fast. Not anymore. I loved running 10K races and passing men. I would watch them out of the corner of my eye and laugh inside, a smirk on my face when they would glance at who passed them and realize who it was. A girl. They would always pick up their pace, a macho instinct kicking in that would not allow them to be passed by a girl. So, with the smile on my face, I too, would pick up the pace and leave them gasping. I can’t really do that anymore, and men seem to be less threatened by women runners these days. It was fun. I have replaced my speed for distance now. 5K’s became 10K’s, then half marathons to marathons to a 50K ultra. I fantasize about doing a 50 miler or a 100 miler, but when I really map out the training, it seems crazy, even for me. I’m sticking to half marathons for now.

 

I suppose my son is right, in that throughout my life, running has offered me solace. It has allowed me to run from whatever was troubling me. Way back in high school, it was the anxiety of moving to a new school, making new friends. Later in life, moving to a new city, starting a new career, being a mother,  and the daily stresses of teaching and meeting students’ overwhelming needs.

 

To answer my son’s question today. I am running from back pain. The pounding of my feet again and again on the pavement for an hour or so, loses my back and eases the pain of being stuck in a house all day for weeks on end. I am running from the news that fills my head and gives me nightmares each night. For the hour it takes to run around the lake, seeing other humans do the same, you can almost forget that we are living in a pandemic. I can listen to music or birds and pretend things are normal until I get back in my car, pass boarded up restaurants and empty streets and remember, it is not normal. I am grateful to running and the important role it has played in my life.

 

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